dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
