Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
