I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
