This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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