Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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