don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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