when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
