They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
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Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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