This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
