I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
