somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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