the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
