hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
