Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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