Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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