How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
