oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
