Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
