I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
