Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize