I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
