Screwed.edu
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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