well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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