i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
