I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
