Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
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Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
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Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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