No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
