Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
