i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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