Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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