Please, let me fuck your mom
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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