I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
