he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
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That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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