Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
