We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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