Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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