my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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