i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
