Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
