Me too!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
