Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
