Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
