Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
