I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
