he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
