dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
