smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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