I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
