In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
