Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
