I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
