i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
