I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I intend to get homeless drunk
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
