speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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