how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
