so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
