You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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